Movie-a-Minute

If you wish to view all the movies, please click on this link. For you who cannot browse, I am quoting some of my fave, only from the movies I have seen .. though some condensed-movies I have NOT seen are irresistibly hilarious .. (Yeah, I have clicked them all!).

So, be warned for the spoilers .. and pick your fave.

Don't have time to watch it all?

Let's face it. There's a lot of movies out there and very little time to watch them in. Well sit back and relax, because your troubles are solved! We here at Movie-A-Minute have come up with a solution. We've taken several classic and contemporary movies and extracted the important stuff, cutting out all the filler. (You'd be surprised how much filler there is sometimes.) With our ultra-condensed versions of your favorite films, you can experience whole movies in just one minute! As an added bonus, Movie-A-Minute protects against torture by bad movies -- if you don't have to sit through them, well, you don't have to sit through them.

"That's nice," you say, "but I don't believe you." Yah hah, skeptical soul! We've got our collection of ultra-condensed movies right here! We've got everything from Gone With the Wind to Die Hard! See for yourself!

Robert De Niro CRIES, and it is FUNNY.


THE END

Gary Oldman
I have travelled Oceans of Time to be with you.

Winona Ryder
That's sweet, but you're wasting your time, frankly.

THE END

Ingrid Bergman
Oh, Rick.

Humphrey Bogart
Oh, Ilsa.

Paul Henreid
Oh, nuts.

Conrad Veidt
Oh, (dies).

THE END

Orson Welles
Rosebud. (dies)

Reporter
What does it mean?

Everybody Else
We don't know.

THE END

(Airplanes are found in the desert.)

Researchers
Wow!

(UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.)

Richard Dreyfuss
Wow!

(UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.)

All
Wow!

THE END

Alan Rickman
Har har har.

Bruce Willis
Grunt sigh moan grunt holler yell sigh wince groan cringe grunt.

(A chair BLOWS UP. Then the elevator BLOWS UP. Then a room BLOWS UP. Then the building BLOWS UP. Then the entire universe BLOWS UP. But the badguy STILL ISN'T DEAD YET. Then the badguy dies.)

THE END

Luke
I have to go to Dagobah.

Yoda
You have to use the force.

Luke
I have to go to Cloud City.

Darth Vader
You have to go to the dark side.

Luke
No I don't.

Darth Vader
I'm your father.

Luke
No you're not.

Darth Vader
Fine, I'll cut off your hand.

THE END

Nicolas Cage Being John Travolta
Raaah, wooo, bluuuh.

John Travolta Being Nicolas Cage
Wahh.

(71,928,033 bullets later, everything is FIXED.)

THE END



Matt Damon
I'm smart, but so what? Let's start fights and pick up chicks.

Robin Williams
If you push people away, they can't be close to you.

Matt Damon
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you fixed me thank you I love you. (cries)

THE END


Brad Pitt
I don't want to suck blood from humans.

Tom Cruise
Yes you do.

Brad Pitt
You're right.

THE END

Roy Scheider
There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton
No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.

(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.)

Robert Shaw
I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him)

Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss
Take that. (shark dies)

THE END

Scar
You killed your father.

Simba
(runs away)

Nala
We need you.

Simba
(runs back)

THE END


Jeff Goldblum
We must never go back to the island. (goes back)

(Everybody DIES.)

Jeff Goldblum
I told you we should never go back to the island.

THE END




Diane Keaton
My father is bedridden. My aunt is senile. My sister is lost. My nephew is deliquent.

Robert De Niro
And you have leukemia.

THE END




(Anthony Hopkins does some STUNTS.)

Anthony Hopkins
I'm too old to be Zorro now.

(Antonio Banderas does some STUNTS.)

THE END

Cast
Hi. We're--

John Woo
Enough plot development. Fight in slow motion.

(People SHOOT and pull their FACES off.)

THE END




Mel Gibson
I want my money back.

Badguy
You can't have it.

Mel Gibson
(kills somebody)

(Repeat.)

THE END

Julia Roberts
I'm a hooker, but I don't kiss on the lips.

Richard Gere
I have a lot of money.

Julia Roberts
(smooch)

THE END



(CHOW YUN FAT walks into a DANCE CLUB and has a GUNFIGHT.)

(CHOW YUN FAT walks into an APARTMENT BUILDING and has a GUNFIGHT.)

(CHOW YUN FAT walks into a CAR WASH and has a GUNFIGHT.)

(CHOW YUN FAT walks into an ARCADE and has a GUNFIGHT.)

(CHOW YUN FAT walks into a MOVIE THEATER and has a GUNFIGHT.)

(CHOW YUN FAT walks into CHINATOWN and has a GUNFIGHT.)

THE END



(Rocky LOSES a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky WINS a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky LOSES a fight. Then Rocky WINS a fight. Then Rocky WINS a fight, and an injury prevents him from ever fighting again. Then Rocky beats up some kids on the street.)

THE END





Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner
We hated each other, but then we had jungle adventures together. Now we're in love.

THE END






Haley Joel Osment
I see dead people.

Bruce Willis
Try talking to them.

Haley Joel Osment
It worked.

THE END




Meg Ryan
I shall find out all I can about Tom Hanks and stalk him.

Tom Hanks
Your plan worked. I love you.

THE END




Dennis Hopper
I will blow up the elevator.

Keanu Reeves
Oh no. Not the elevator. (saves elevator)

Dennis Hopper
I will blow up the bus.

Keanu Reeves
Oh no. Not the bus. (saves bus)

Dennis Hopper
I will blow up the subway.

Keanu Reeves
Oh no. Not the subway. (saves subway)

THE END


Michelle Pfeiffer
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bruce Willis
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michelle Pfeiffer
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bruce Willis
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(They get back together.)

THE END



(Stuart gets ADOPTED. The Littles HATE Stuart. The Littles LIKE Stuart. Stuart's parents come. Stuart HATES his parents. Stuart LIKES his parents. Stuart HATES his parents. Stuart goes back to the Littles. The Littles HATE Stuart. The cat HATES Stuart. The cat LIKES Stuart. The Littles LIKE Stuart.)

THE END






Tarzan
OHHHHH-AA-ahhhhhhh-AAOOAAOO-ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

(A safari of pillagers get run over by a herd of elephants.)

THE END





Producers
War is hell.

Audience
Oh look, it's Sean Penn.

Producers
War is still hell.

Audience
Isn't that George Clooney?

Producers
War continues to be hell.

Audience
Hey, where did Woody Harrelson come from?

Producers
War. Hell.

THE END


Leonardo DiCaprio
Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun.

Kate Winslet
You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle.

(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio
Never let go.

Kate Winslet
I promise. (lets go)

THE END


(There are LOTS of JETS.)

Tom Cruise
I am handsome and cool.

Val Kilmer
No, I am handsome and cool.

(They get all moody with each other.)

Tom Cruise
I almost got you killed, so now we're friends.

Val Kilmer
Yes. I like you.

THE END


Chris O'Donnell
My sister is stuck up a mountain.

Everyone Else
Then let's strap nitro-glycerine to our backs.

(Everybody almost falls down a lot.)

THE END




(Michael and Kathleen Turner MEET. Then they fall in LOVE. Then they get MARRIED. Then they FIGHT. They throw DISHES and FURNITURE and FISH and DOGS and TREES and CARS and CHANDELIERS at each other.)

Danny DeVito
The moral of this story is, if you get married, you'll DIE.

THE END



Sally
I hate you.

Harry
That's your problem.

Sally
I think I love you.

Harry
I might love you.

Sally
I hate you.

Harry
Please don't.

Sally
I love you.

Harry
I love you too.

THE END



(Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in LOVE, and it is HEARTWARMING.)

America Online
Please note how our program was used in this movie.

THE END